My rant for week ending 4/16/2010

So my week has been pretty much the same as any other week. Go to work, just to get sent home early because the call flow is low. I come and clean house and do homework. Then I pick up the kids after school and come home and start dinner. But I have been stressing all week over what classes I should take during the summer and deciding on a major. I have had several ideas but always seem to find something wrong with all of them. I am afraid that no matter what I decide I am going to get bored with it and then end up back in school or at a dead end job. I am also afraid of choosing a major and then not being able to find a decent job using that degree. I would hate to pay all this money and still be where I am now. The reason I am in school is mainly for financial stability. If I end up in the same situation I am in now, then it was all for nothing. I do not want that. My kids are already going to be teenagers by them I graduate. So there will be no time to save for college for them.

I worry a lot about everything. I worry about my kids future, how the bills are going to be paid, will my kids hate me, will they do the same things I did growing up, will I ever be out of debt, and my home being organized. My house doesn’t ever seem to be clean enough. Even if I cleaned all day and organized everything, I still feel like there is more to be done. Sometimes I just wish I could turn my brain off and not think about anything at all. I get so overwhelmed sometimes over all of these things. These things aren’t things I can change immediately but I worry about this stuff all the time. This is one reason I was put on medicine for anxiety. The meds seem to help most days. But it makes me sleepy so I don’t take it like I am supposed to.

I know this blog may be a little confusing and just rambling but this is what is on my mind right now and pretty much every day, all day. I do have an appointment to start seeing a counselor towards the end of the month and I hope that talking with a counselor will help more and I will be able to control my worries and anxiety. I wish all the time that I didn’t worry as much and my anxiety level wasn’t always high but things are the way they are and all I can do is try to do my best every day. I try to remember the Serenity Prayer but that doesn’t always help. I will try to keep my head up and continue to believe that everything happens for a reason.